


i could love you

by OfShoesAndShips



Category: Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell (TV), Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell - Susanna Clarke
Genre: AroAcespec!Childermass, M/M, Pan!Segundus, Unhelpful!Vinculus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-04-30 16:46:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5171765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OfShoesAndShips/pseuds/OfShoesAndShips
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Childermass and Segundus don't quite start off on the right foot. But they sort it out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i could love you

 

 

The summer had been long and stagnant; honeysuckle heavy, over sweet and sticking in the throat. Every so often it cracked and the rain threw itself down at them, keeping the garden watered and finding new leaks; but the tension in the air was never quite released; every day, one of them would mutter to themselves about how they needed a good storm to clear things up, but though the good storms came the air stayed stubbornly heavy.

 

Vinculus seemed pleased enough, at least. He would stroll into the kitchen of a morning - the carpenter had finished every door barring, for some strange reason, the one from the kitchen to the herb garden, and so Vinculus strolled in entirely without hindrance - shirtless, shoeless, and indeed only wearing breeches to forestall Childermass shouting at him.

 

“I don’t know what you’re complaining about,” he would say to Mr Segundus, or Childermass, depending on who was in the kitchen at the time, “A proper summer, this is. Like there were when I was a lad.”

 

Were it Mr Segundus he was addressing, he would get a polite noise in reply, but little else. Childermass would snort. On one occasion, when both Mr Segundus and Childermass had been in the kitchen, he had said “We’re Yorkshiremen,” in reply, which was the first time Vinculus had ever heard Mr Segundus laugh.

 

Apparently this had also been the first time Childermass had heard Mr Segundus laugh, because the surprised and slightly enraptured look that came into his eyes had Vinculus sighing, shaking his head, and walking out again without even nicking something for breakfast.

 

==

 

Mr Segundus yawned into his wrist and stretched back in his chair. Behind him, every window was open, and he had foregone even a waistcoat, sitting there in only his shirt and breeches. It was, he felt, a little scandalous - and then he scolded himself, since this was his library, and he was well within his rights to be in his shirtsleeves in his own library. Especially in such terribly warm weather. That was the word for it, he felt. Hot wasn’t quite right - it was more of a constant, unrelenting warmth. How someone was supposed to think clearly enough to keep up with the setting up of a school in such syrupy weather, he had no idea.

 

He yawned again, gave work up for a bad job, and stacked all his papers back into one neat pile.

 

With luck, the weather would break over night and it would be a little easier to get things done. Not that that seemed likely, but then, nor had many things that were currently happening to him.

 

The school, for one.

 

Magic, for another.

 

Childermass.

 

Segundus laughed at himself and leant back again in his chair again, trying to hold back another yawn. He was predictable, wasn’t he. Ever since school it had always been the disreputable ones. Mary. Swithin. Georgiana. Even Lady Pole, though that had always been a distant, half-formed thing. And now John Childermass, who was apparently at this moment trying to get Vinculus to stop sneaking off to the pub with Childermass’s money. Their voices carried in through the open window and he stopped for a moment, just listening. Not even really taking in the words; just listening to the voices.

 

“Well, I have to have something to drink if I have to keep seeing you two making cow-eyes at each other all day.”

 

“There _is_ a wine-cellar.”

 

Segundus stopped listening, pausing in the middle of tipping his chair back and almost sending himself flying. He caught the desk just in time and pulled himself back, reeling a little.

 

He barely dared think it.

 

Perhaps it was Vinculus just attempting to rile Childermass. But-; Why would he choose that in particular? Why not something else - anything else? It was hardly the kind of thing to make up, even in impolite society. Whereas, if it were true-;

 

No. He couldn’t dare think it.

 

==

 

 

Mr Segundus was planning something. He could tell. Something big, by the way his nails were suddenly bitten to the quick, the fact that his hair was less neat than usual, his general air of distraction.

 

Childermass frowned at Segundus’s back from where he was sitting at the kitchen table. Perhaps Segundus was sick of Vinculus and was sending them away. Perhaps Segundus was sick of him and was sending them away. At the thought, something in him clenched, and he sighed. Really. It had to be now.

 

“You’re planning something, Mr Segundus,” he said, seeing no point in postponing the inevitable.

 

“I-: I most certainly am not, Mr Childermass,” he said, looking over his shoulder and frowning in a most indignant fashion that wasn’t at all believable.

 

“You are,” he said, “My cards tell me so.”

 

His cards had said nothing of the sort, but then Mr Segundus did seem to set a fair amount of store in them. Perhaps with their influence he would be rather more likely to speak.

 

“You are lying to me, Mr Childermass.”

 

Perhaps not.

 

“As are you, Mr Segundus.”

 

Segundus sighed and picked up the tea tray he had been fiddling with, carrying it to the table. A cool evening breeze wafted in through the open doorway, though it wasn’t not quite cool enough to make him shudder - and yet, Childermass shuddered anyway.

 

 

“If you wish myself and Vinculus to leave you be-;” he started, and Segundus shook his head before sitting down and pouring them both a cup.

 

“It is not that.”

 

“So it’s something.”

 

“Must you insist on analysing my every word?”

 

Childermass bit back a smirk.

 

Segundus stared down at his tea for a few moments, appearing to gather himself.

 

“But yes,” he started, more suddenly than Childermass expected, “Yes. There is something. Please - do not interrupt with flippancies, Mr Childermass.” He stopped, and took a deep breath.

 

“I am most awfully sorry if I offend you with what I am about to say, and believe me I do not say it lightly, but as you insist on reminding me you are a man of the world and I do not think you-; I believe, or at least I hope that I may believe, that you will not judge me for what I am about to say.”

 

Childermass blinked. This wasn’t exactly the direction he had been expecting things to take. But, following some instinct that he didn’t care to analyse, he reached across and touched Segundus’s wrist with a fingertip.

 

“Say what you will, Mr Segundus. I will not judge you.”

 

Segundus took another deep breath, seemingly a little distracted by Childermass’s touch on his wrist.

 

“I believe that there is something between us, sir,” Segundus said, refusing to look up from his tea, “And I-; Well, I hope you will not think me too bold when I say that I-; That I would like to…explore it.”

 

Childermass pulled back, inexplicably startled. His gut clenched, but it turned quickly sour and if he were not painfully conscious that he would very possibly tear Mr Segundus to shreds if he did so he would have walked away right at that moment.

 

As it was, Segundus’s eyes had finally flicked up to his, already slightly betrayed by Childermass taking his hand away.

 

“I see,” he whispered, “Please-; I am sorry. I should not have spoken-;”

 

“No,” Childermass said, surprised by the sudden hoarseness of his voice, “It is not that. But I wish you had set yourself upon another, sir, for your own sake-;”

 

“If you are going to refuse me,” Segundus interrupted, in a sharp tone, “Then just do it. Do not attempt to placate me with your misdirections-;”

 

“I am not refusing you,” he whispered, and Segundus blinked.

 

“You’re not?”

 

“No.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“It is simply that I-;” Childermass sighed and looked away, running one hand through his hair, “Forgive me. It has been years since I have had to explain this.”

Segundus was frowning, but he nodded.

 

“I am not like most men,” he said, “Or at least, it does not seem so. My - affections take some time, and even then they…fluctuate. You would be better seeking a more constant man-;”

 

“I do not want some other man.”

 

“I am a trial, sir-;”

 

“You already are a trial,” Segundus said, and Childermass laughed with only a little bitterness.

 

“And yet you pursue me?”

 

“Well, you’re a very pretty trial.”

 

Childermass sobered. “It is that that I mean,” he said, “I-; I have not been clear. I do not experience attraction as most men. Nor-; nor love.”

 

Segundus stared at him. “As I have said, if you wish to refuse me I wish you would do it straight out, rather than lying to soothe me-;”

 

Childermass stared back for a moment, and then stood up roughly, almost knocking his tea over, and stormed out.

 

== 

 

“I told you,” said Vinculus, and Childermass rolled his eyes. Vinculus raised an eyebrow in return. “Didn’t I?”

 

“You did.”

 

“Well then,” he said, as if the conversation was over. He leant back against the wall and closed his eyes.

 

“But-;”

 

He opened one eye. “Spare me.”

 

Childermass leant forward, bracing his elbows on his knees and turning his flask in his hands.

 

“If you’re about to ask me for advice,” Vinculus said, “You can piss off.”

 

Childermass laughed. “Surely you’ve managed to explain things to your wives? That’s four more times that I have.”

 

Vinculus opened the other eye, this time. “You mean to say that the only person you’ve ever,” Vinculus waved one hand in a gesture that could have meant anything, “Was _Gilbert bloody Norrell_?”

 

Childermass made a non-committal gesture of his own. “There were others, before, but I didn’t know I needed to explain anything until after.”

 

“Ah,” Vinculus said, and closed his eye again.

 

“Is that all you’re going to say?”

 

“What else _is_ there to say? If you care enough, you’ll eventually get up enough courage to go in there and get him to listen. If you don’t, you’re going to go in there and ignore that today ever happened. ‘s your choice.”

 

Childermass sighed, stuck his flask back in his pocket and stood up. “Thanks for nothing,” he said, and Vinculus doffed his hat.

 

==

 

The house was dark when he slipped back inside; the kitchen bore no sign of their tea, and indeed nowhere on the ground floor showed any sign of anything at all. Childermass made his way quietly up the stairs, hoping that Segundus had not yet retired - it would be unusual for him to be abed at this hour, but still, you never knew, not on a day like this - and sighed in relief when he saw the crack of light under the library door.

 

He walked up to it and knocked, ignoring the tension in the pit of his stomach. “Mr Segundus?”

 

There was a sudden sharp thud, as if Segundus had dropped something in surprise.

 

“Come in,” he said, and Childermass pushed open the door a little way and stepped inside.

 

Segundus sat behind his desk, surrounded by books, his hair in disarray - probably from running his hands through it - and looking rather drawn, though that could just have been the low light, Childermass supposed.

 

“I suppose you’ve come to let me know you’re leaving?” Segundus started, in the most resigned voice Childermass had ever heard.

 

“That rather depends on how this talk goes.”

 

Segundus blinked. “You mean you’re not-;”

 

“Not yet.”

 

He seemed to recover himself. “Please, sit down,” he gestured to the chair on the other side of his desk, and Childermass sat down.

 

Segundus sighed and ran one hand through his hair, messing his curls even further. “I treated you abominably,” he said, “I’m sorry.”

 

“Fair enough,” Childermass said, and he looked up.

 

“I truly am-;”

 

“I’m sure.”

 

Segundus laughed, but it was a bitter sound. “Have I destroyed this beyond repair?”

 

Childermass shrugged. “I shouldn’t’ve thought so.”

 

They sat in silence for a moment.

 

“What-; In practical terms...what would it mean? You, I mean, being as you are-;”

 

Childermass tilted his head. “You won’t call me a liar again, if I give you an answer you dislike?”

 

 Segundus flushed guiltily and shook his head.

 

“Then it means that I am not always comfortable with the usual trappings of such a relationship. It means that sometimes I will push you away. It means that I will sometimes flinch from you. But it does not mean that I care for you any less. Just that, sometimes, I care differently.”

 

Segundus nodded.”Thank you,” he murmured, “And - thank you for not - thank you for giving me another chance.”

 

Childermass nodded and stood up. “I think it perhaps best,” he said, “For us to pick this back up in the morning, don’t you?”

 

Segundus blinked at him again for a moment, and stood up himself. “Of course. Whatever you would be comfortable with.”

 

Childermass nodded, and was about to turn away when Segundus spoke again.

 

“Could I - could I at least kiss you?”

 

A slight huff of breath that wasn’t quite a laugh escaped Childermass’s throat. He looked back at Segundus and smiled.

 

 “Ask me again tomorrow,” he said, and left.

  
==


End file.
